Rock Bottom

Right let me paint you a picture.... for those of you that don’t know me, I was the most proactive young person you could have ever meet.  I was an all-rounder, actor, dancer, model, rapper, producer, You name it! I worked several jobs I was constantly involved in many creative projects at the same time. I travelled, I volunteered for charities, I socialised, I was always surrounded by people! I would be loudest person in the room, last one to leave, I was dedicated, always ready to work the next morning.  I gave my all, all the time. I never left a space just for me. I didn’t like those moments in between.  I couldn’t tell you why, whenever I stopped my world started to fall apart. I was dedicated to the point where it’s almost humanly impossible. No break, no recovery time, I would go from one thing, #OnToTheNext one, I felt like I was winning. As great as "winning" made me feel, it was impossible to constantly sustain. 

My life was out of balance and had been for the seven years. I spent years over compensating for being a secondary school dropout. Here I am at 25, pretty accomplished, I got qualifications coming out my ears, I was popular, I had exciting job opportunities, I was lucky with getting my own creations out there,  I have a beautiful girlfriend, I was fit and mostly healthy, aside from not being rich in material things everything else made up for that, see for me I was rich in every other way. On the outside I seemed pretty prefect! 

I turned 25 this November, I thought I had my life all figured out however  I couldn’t have been more wrong.  I was run into the ground by Christmas, written off work sick in January after my health suddenly took a turn for the worse. I was stuck at home, questioning everything.  I was in pain, everywhere, everything hurt, every day. I couldn’t sleep properly. I had no energy. I couldn’t seem to walk very far, next thing I was struggling with steps. At my lowest point I was bed bound, then my legs muscles were wasting away. I started to get depressed, I was cut off from the world, I was unemployed, stressed, had recurrent chest pain. I didn’t know when I would get better. I didn’t know what was going on with me, Every time I went to the doctors I come out with another thing wrong! 

January was the hardest part for me, I was so ill, yet I didn’t know how to cope not doing anything! I couldn’t be productive even if I wanted to too, it just made me feel worse! It was the first time in my adult life that I forced to stay still. No distractions. I had relentless hours in my day to think, to just be, to feel all the pain, to reflect on my whole life, what I wanted.  On who I was, what my futures holds. 

During this time I had been watching many LGBT documentaries, I watched many focused on transgender men.  The truth started flooding in and I couldn’t stop the truth coming forward, Previously it was always just background noise nothing I dared to pay attention too. My childhood memories keep unfolding, all these thoughts went round and round in my head, back and forth, over again. It was eating me away. I tried to ignore it, because I thought I can’t do this! I am not even strong enough right now and I could lose everything. I mean I have already come out as a lesbian. I have already spent five years building my credits an actress/female artist. I am currently in a lesbian relationship with the love of my life! "I can’t say it. I can’t. No this is bullshit! I don’t want to start again."

After more than a month of stillness I felt like a prisoner trapped in my room, tears kept emerging. I felt so angry and it keep growing! My whole world has been turned upside down, literally hit rock bottom. I know it makes so much sense to everything now and If I don’t accept this, life was going to remind me. Once you know the truth, you can't go back and live a lie! I can't run from this. I need to be true to myself but I am so scared. I am so afraid.  I didn’t know how to say it...I couldn’t say it for ages. I couldn’t say the words "I am Transgender". 

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