Shopping To Combat Dysphoria

I felt like a kid on Christmas day, I have been shopping a million times but this felt different. We chose a smaller high street and had to stop and rest regularly because my knee was still playing up however the actual trip was the source of my happiness even in pain I pushed myself because I knew this was going to help me feel better. I just wanted to feel at ease.
Changing rooms where also something I felt annoyed about because the men’s section was generally a floor apart from the women’s. Each time I had to go from the men’s section to the women’s to get changed. Which one made me feel more dysphoric, secondly I was still having trouble with my knee as you can imagine; stairs where my enemy! After trying on basically half the rail of different sizes, I found the best one for me, I picked up a pair of jeans and a few t-shirts.

I felt a bit intimated when in the men’s sections searching for boxers, I didn’t know my size and you can’t really try them on, so I took longer to decided which ones to buy.  I just felt like some guys looked at me like I shouldn’t be there, because it didn’t look like I was looking for to get someone a gift, lucky for me my girlfriend was there and she just made me laugh and just told me not to worry about others, after she said that I felt more relaxed and I just carried on shopping as usual.  

Once I was home the first thing I tried on was the boxers, which fitted me fine and then after that I just put on my new t-shirt, jumped on my bed, I was just the happiest person in the world, I felt comfortable, I felt like a guy. I am, but I felt like one for the first time, just like this is how it was always supposed to be. 

The next day I tried on the rest of my new clothes and then it didn’t seem to have the same effect, I looked in the mirror and it was as if I noticed everything female about myself. Which really troubled me.  I don’t know where these tears came from, but I just burst out crying.  I was getting ready to go out, so I was wearing a bra and it just made me feel so distressed. I didn’t want to go out anymore. My girlfriend hugged me and told me not to worry, we can buy a binder if I wanted or get some sports bras to flatten down my chest.  Which was a really important step to make me feel okay again.

Once I sorted out that little problem, I felt comfortable and over the moon with my new FTM wardrobe. It really did make all the difference.

ADVICE: If you have a transgender friend/loved one, in particularly in the early stages of their transition, help them out by supporting them on a shopping trip, if will boost their moral. Plus its a great chance to talk and even you just being there means the world. 

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